I know it's psycho. But here is the thing... I just can't be everything to everyone all the time. So I set a day to let my kids have time with friends... and then I hope that somehow the friends can make that day work. Evelynn and Sally were stubborn (who do they get that from?) and would not participate. They are too embarrassed to have friends over to our house (they are not a fan of little siblings and claim there is nothing to do here), and even though I suggested they go somewhere like the mall, or goofy golfing... they refused. so... they sat in their rooms the whole day. reading. I guess. But all the other kids (except for Ebenezer whose only friends are dinosaurs) participated in the friend day and were successful at getting one friend to come over.
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| Beckham |
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| Claire |
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| Dillon |
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| Bruce |
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| Emily |
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| Enoch |
Was it a success? I mean... it happened... but I am going to be real with you. For me, it was a failure. For me, it triggered rage and depression. I don't feel like our guests had a good time, and I spent a lot of time being angry and disciplining my kids. I look at moments like that and say to myself, "You are a fool holly! how dare you go to school to become a teacher! you will fail at it. you suck at working with kids. you are 'the Trunchbull'. you are incapable of succeeding. you have no business being a mom of such a large family... you never change or improve." I wish I made our home a fun, inviting place where kids come and feel safe and enjoy their time... but instead, I feel like all I ever do is set boundaries and enforce them. And when things get under my skin I feel deep guilt because children are pure and good and better than me, so I am the problem, and I don't understand why I don't fix myself.
to add to the complications and despair of the day, my heart was heavy and my mind was burdened thinking about Jeff and I's unresolved discussion from Tuesday. I felt really down and out. The more time that passed, the more I became saturated with negative thoughts. My insecurities were getting the best of me and my mental illness was in full swing. I was completely convinced that Jeff didn't love me. I was sure that he just didn't want to live with me and that was why we weren't getting a house or moving and that is why we were doing more separation and long distance relationship time. I was being consumed with thoughts of how to move forward. I figured I could either stay in that place or confront it, so when all the kids were gone and the house was tidied up, I finally chose to call up Jeff and just tell him everything on my mind and heart. He listened. we talked. and talked. I cried and we both committed to being better communicators because it's really all we have. We can't serve each other or touch each other or spend time with each other or give one another gifts (sending packages can be pricey!). It's down to words of affirmation... and when we don't have that, it feels pretty crappy to say the least. I also committed to Jeff that I will keep trying. As hard as this whole thing is, I am going to keep trying.
I was feeling pretty drained by the end of the day. I didn't feel like facing anything hard. but yet, we had planned to go to the Easter Pageant at the Mesa Temple, and I just wasn't sure I could muster the strength I needed to succeed at the outing. I mean, we needed to go early, so I would have to be prepared with food, drinks, and entertainment! It felt like too much work. I love the pageant so much, though... so I just had to TRY. disaster or no disaster... I was gunna go for it.
We were an hour later than I wanted to arrive. We barely found parking. I had no stroller to carry stuff, so we had to all pitch in and carry everything.
BUT
we got great seats, and the kids were pretty well-behaved. we sat by another big family and it made me feel normal. Richard made it to the bathroom and had a success! the weather was so nice.
I felt the spirit so strong and I wept. it was BEAUTIFUL. I loved it. I was so glad we went. Talking to Richard about each part of the play was magical.
I loved sharing our favorite parts on the car ride home and bearing my testimony of Charles and Christ to the children, even though it was cheesy, I could not resist sharing what I had felt.
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| the man taking the picture said, "Say SNake PooP!" which was surprisingly different. |
I bear my testimony that I know God lives! Charles is alive. He is well. He is sharing the good news of Christ and we can, too. God is good. Life is hard. We can have peace and hope in Christ. this message brings me so much joy! I will see my son again and I can be forgiven and find true and lasting happiness in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Easter is the best.
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