sacred strain

I woke up early and I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I prayed and asked God to help me choose from the myriad of things I could do. Then I did none of them. I laid in bed until I was prodded by a child to get up and help with breakfast. 

fast Sundays are good days but they never quite go as planned. I got everyone up and ready but I still had a hard time getting myself ready in time. I went to church with less-desirable hair. I did have the thought to myself, "I would like to bear my testimony, but, I know I won't. there isn't enough time and so many people want to share their testimonies. I always love to share my testimony but it's just not my season. nobody wants to hear from me anyway. It's not like I have anything to say. I haven't been prompted in a long time to go up there. it's fine. whatever."

getting into the building itself was a circus. we parked the van at 8:59, and I told the kids to fold their arms for a prayer. it felt like the right thing to do. I sent them all inside while I stayed and dressed Ebenezer from his pajamas to church attire. He didn't want me to carry him, but he refused to hold my hand to the church building... and I knew I could not trust him to walk there by himself. I relented and he ran ahead, tripping right when we got to the chapel. The meeting was starting, eyes were on me, but my arms were full and I didn't have many options. I scooped him up like a surfboard and tucked him under my armpit before sitting down in the row my children had selected. 

almost immediately the opening hymn began. I recognized it and sang along... "Gently raise the sacred strain, for the Sabbath's come again..." and those words hit me like a brick. SACRED STRAIN? Woah. isn't that the truth! Wasn't it such a strain to come to church and do life and wasn't it... sacred? it's a sacred strain. an effort that isn't wasted. hard but worth it. I spent the whole meeting looking around and thinking about my church family that had gathered to worship today. and then came sacrament. i watched Walter pass the tray reverently. I had to step out with Ebenezer for a moment but made it back just in time to participate. and then came testimonies. I listened. I felt them. and I began to wonder what I would say if I got up. and then... a feeling came. my heart pounded and I recognized the prompting to go up and share my testimony. And so... I did. I didn't say anything profound, but my heart swelled up with gratitude and I felt the spirit tremendously strong. I almost could not speak but I squeaked out the noises that add up to words, and before I knew it... it was over. Other things happened in between. kids fighting and holding Leena on my lap to comfort her. I realized then that I just don't love on her enough. 

then the second miracle happened. My kids tidied up our row and all of them WENT TO THEIR CLASSES without any problems. it was mind-blowing and awesome. I was so happy. I got to enjoy Sunday school, where my heart was again softened through scripture, stories, and testimonies. The comments that were shared and the video we watched had me in tears. What an incredible meeting with incredible people. I felt my testimony being strengthened of family and Christ.

the specialness of the day didn't end there, however. we drove to Charlie's grave and listened to THIS general conference talk. my children proceeded to talk about the "be a cheerleader" line and it struck me as well. I chose at that moment to apologize to them and commit to doing better. 

next came lunch and a visit from our home teachers. they reiterated the atonement and again I found myself bearing my testimony of God's plan. IT IS SO TRUE and I felt that so strongly today.

next came Marco polo-ing a friend and sharing an update on the amazing peace I feel about our future. I have spent so much time wrestling with God over what is going to happen in the future and what I want... but I do feel so much more peace about it now. I can live my life and put my trust in GOD.

Then came a phone chat with Jeff. he shared an incredible story of his day, how he had felt prompted to share his testimony in the ward he visits, but tried not to go up and share it. Then two people got up and shared how their children had cancer and he knew he needed to go up. afterward, he got an invitation to dinner and found someone in the ward named JEREMY DECKER (his twin's name) who also has family from New York and wants to do family history together. Then Jeff bore his testimony to me about tithing and I felt so grateful. 

I went through my inbox of papers next and it was A LOT but felt so good to get things done and organized. I always feel so clear-minded and hopeful when I have organized my piles of paper and made a plan to move forward. 

The fast was feeling good on my heart, body, and mind. I got a few things done, including printing Roger's baptism picture for his frame (finally, a year later), planning out Roger's birthday with him, and asking everyone for input concerning spring break activities and what to do when Jeff comes to visit. I got excited and felt good inside. I got texts from people who were touched by my testimony, and I felt so much gratitude for them in my life. 

the kids watched some nature shows to pass the time, but eventually, I had them turn it off and just made them play together. there were moments when it felt like HEAVEN. 

just before dinner, we had a pow-wow to clean up the mess of a house. I felt so anxious for them to finish on time because it was a fast Sunday. I got angry and barked at them, threatened them with no tech time. and then it hit me like a ton of bricks that I had promised to be a cheerleader. I repented and apologized. it felt good to keep that resolve and do better.

My mom made dinner and soon we sat down and ate. Everyone shared what they got from church and a couple of the kids mentioned they liked my testimony. I hope that's true, maybe even for those who didn't say so. next, we tidied up and sat on the couch for family church. all about temples. I bore my testimony. the kids drew pictures. One child drew a picture of a fork in the road. One way led to the temple and the other did not. They chose the one that did not. Another child drew our family and then crossed out the person they were mad at. but a few other kids drew nice pictures of themselves going to the temple:

and then, against my better judgment, because I am more stubborn than an ox in the mud, we went to the temple for an evening walk. and thank GOODNESS I had the foresight to take a picture BEFORE the walk because by the end everyone was crying and angry. 

and then I hurried everyone home to brush their teeth and go to bed. it wasn't a quick process, but we got there. 

Today was the last day of my special education online class, and I had three assignments due that I hadn't turned in yet, so I was anxious to finish those, but first came a calendar meeting with my mom. it turned into a long conversation because she confronted me about our strained relationship. it was a hard conversation to have and I don't know how to process it or move forward, but I stayed up and got my work turned in BARELY on time. 

*sigh* what a beautiful, sacred strain today was.