i am just one person

Today I made a crucial choice not to attend a family grief event and stayed home to get stuff done. Saturdays are our deep clean day around here, and we need more and more of it as time passes. it never looks as clean as I want it to look, but seeing the kids participate in routine and make things a little nicer feels good.

I woke up feeling like a run. I love running, so when I wake up feeling like a run it is a sign to me that I am feeling good and feeling like myself. It adds to my gratitude when I think about my body being able to run. Ever since Charles lost his leg, I can't look at running in the same way. Legs are a gift. I may not be super healthy, but being well enough to run is phenomenal, and I am beyond thankful.

My run was just right. I could have gone further, probably, but my family needed me to be home. I listened to old EFY songs that I loved in my youth, twenty years ago. It was nostalgic and wholesome and I felt inspired, hopeful, and alive. It's always crazy when I think about how I live in the very same house and neighborhood that I grew up in. Thinking about the runs I used to go on in my youth along the canal, or even with Jeff when we were dating. I remember how he showed up to my house in shorts (hadn't seen him in shorts before) and a bandana on his head, with, of course, his Nike Monarch shoes. He only lived around the corner in his bachelor pad. It's amazing to contemplate all of it. 

My chores and to-do list took much longer than I wanted it to take. I wasn't lazy, but I was intentional in what I ate and how I treated people. I was trying to be careful with what I listened to and watched during the moments when I desired some intelligence building, like folding laundry, doing dishes, or eating lunch. but there were still moments when I found myself scrolling mindlessly and sending memes to Jeff. I know that the root cause of my social media addiction is wanting connection, which isn't bad, so I just need to be more mindful about what I do and how long I do it. 

I forced myself to finally get the bulletin board put up at the church for spring/summer. It always takes me at least two hours to do it and I am constantly trying to figure out how to take less time, without any success. It occurred to me, though, that there was a good chance this was the last time I would be doing it since we are moving this summer. I ran into several road bumps, though, as I went about the task. Not enough fabric. Wanting to add clouds. Hand drawing circles on the temple chart. Remembering that I didn't print a couple of items. Worrying over design and appearance without having any feedback. I did, however, discover how to do the edges FINALLY, because the edges have been a total beast of a problem. Whoever gets this job next, I am gonna save them some time and divulge my tips.

making dinner after spending so much time on the bulletin was a struggle. Even though I had all the food planned out, I wanted to just order a pizza and relax. I was running out of steam and I was really hungry. the thought of having to make dinner, give the boys haircuts, give baths, cut nails, and put everyone to bed before birthday shopping and getting homework done... it just sounded like too much. and guess what? it was. 

I did make dinner. and I overate. I gotta work on that. 

I gave the boys haircuts did baths and cut nails. but it took forever and the kids were up until 9, which is not my preference. But I did remember to give Ebenezer his antibiotics for his ear infection, so that is good. two days left of that. 

I did do birthday shopping for Evelynn. but man. it's expensive to have a teenager. I want so much to give her good gifts and help her feel loved and special... but I am not sure we can keep up the pace. I guess I better get a job, especially because I have so many kids to provide for and show love to. It's kind of tricky balancing making money and spending time with them, though. we shall see.

then I was too tired to do all my homework. no matter how much I wanted and needed to get it done, I could not muster anything but a couple of participation posts. so sadly, I have to save the rest for tomorrow. 

I feel pretty good about today, though. So I hope I get a good sleep. in my clean bed :)