before the plunge

oops, got behind. Let's play catch up, shall we?

Sunday wasn't a great day for me. I don't know what was wrong with me. I told Jeff about it. Just last Sunday, after all, I had been on cloud ten! How could I be so cold-hearted and disturbed in just one week from then? He wasn't surprised.  He calmly told me that I am just human and it doesn't take long before we can become numb to the spirit. What bothers me the most, though, is when I look around and everyone else seems to be really feeling things and I am only feeling upset. It makes me look inward to try and sort out why I am feeling the way I am, and today I didn't have the answers... only the feelings. It wasn't really just one or two things that bothered me... it was just all of it. I was fighting so many negative thoughts. I did, however, really enjoy reflecting on the answers to these questions from Sunday School, about our relationship with the Savior:

I am going to go ahead and answer the questions here.

I met Jesus every day that I can remember. I grew up in a home where my family talked about Jesus, read about Jesus, sang about Jesus, and went to church. I remember going to the Mesa Temple visitor center and looking at the giant marble Cristus. I listened to the presentations there and felt the spirit. But when I was six, I met Jesus in a different way. and unforgettable way. He became everything.

my dad died suddenly of a heart attack on Thanksgiving day. my dad. MY dad. my DAD.

Literally, the only thing that gave me ANY hope at all or anything to look forward to- was the resurrection. Jesus HAD to be real now. If he wasn't, I would never see my dad again. and THAT was unacceptable to me. I refuse to believe that. 

I met Jesus more and more throughout my life, over and over again. seeing him new. viewing him differently. clinging to Him. but that experience remains the most poignant and definitive.

I love Jesus because He gives me a chance. He gives me unconditional love. He wants me. He gave me His life so that I can see loved ones, be forgiven, and dwell in peace and happiness.

He loves me because I am a child of God. and nothing can ever change that.

God offered to make a covenant with me because He wants to be tied to me. He wants to help me get back. He wants to be connected to me. 

I chose to follow Him in baptism and temple covenants because it felt like the right thing to do at the time, but now my covenants mean so much more. They bind me to God in the best way. I can't sink when I hold on to Him. He keeps me afloat.

Sometimes our covenant with each other is the only tie we have. Other times it makes me get back up and start trying again. It makes me better at ministering and repenting and forgiving. I am not saying I am perfect at those things, but I am saying that it makes me better than what I would be without it. With this covenant, I don't give up on my family. With this covenant, I am reminded of the good things in my life and the miracles I have experienced. 

To strengthen the relationship, God sends me little hellos of beauty. He softens my heart from time to time, trying to help me get what I need out of life. He comforts me, humbles me, and meets me where I am at. 

The things I do to make our relationship better are turn to Him. talk to Him. learn of Him. let Him help me. Live like Him. Love like Him. Visit His house. renew my covenants and remember Him and what He did. all of it.

Being in this covenant relationship is what my life is made of. It's everything to me. Anything good AT ALL that has happened or will happen in my life is because of this covenant relationship with Him.

here is another part of the lesson that stood out to me:

I did make it to choir for the first time since I was director. It was humbling. then, later that evening, when we had family church, Walter made an ensign to the world that matched the words above perfectly, without even knowing about the quote I had taken a screenshot of.

and then he humbled me with a drawing of me and a roach "lying down in peace one with another". 

Monday wasn't much better for me. my attitude was just... not great. I got into a big fight that morning with Evelynn and it set the whole day into a wonky bad vibe. I never fully recovered, even when I chose to apologize. we had a good family night, but I still just felt... unhappy. I became consumed with the 'what ifs' of my life, obsessing over my past and future. I went to a dark place of discontentment and it wasn't the holy kind.

Tuesday I wanted to be better. And I succeeded until I saw a big bag of chocolate on my bed. For a moment I forgot that I had bought it for a friend's birthday and I got excited that someone got me chocolate. As soon as the realization hit me, seconds later, that I was losing my mind, I sank into a dark place. Then, I got wrapped up in a psychotic scam artist conversation that led me down a path of false security, and even after Jeff woke me up to the fact, I never fully recovered. I did drag the family to Taco Tuesday free dinner church event, but every time I go, I make a promise to myself to never go again. It's a problem.

the above pictures are proof that I wanted to be better. I screenshot a quote and took my kids to a park, even capturing the moment. but it was all in vain, I tell you.

Yesterday I was okay-ish... I pushed through the things I didn't want to do and got my spring break list made. I even got a large chunk of homework done. the kids did tech time and Walter did another lemonade stand with his neighbor friend and Roger. James and Richard helped make the lemonade but didn't get to help sell it because I don't trust them to stand on a corner (which they resent me for). Gladys had a church activity and got to color eggs and Walter did a scripture scavenger hunt at the church. Jeff got a job offer that he has been waiting for, so we spent a huge chunk of the day talking and talking and TALKING about it and trying to feel out what to do.

 I got pretty grumpy and hungry at the end of the day and wanted to eat every unhealthy thing I could find. Thankfully I got too tired to move, so I eventually gave up eating and slept.

and then comes TODAY.

it was a big SHAZAM of a day.

1. crazy busy morning but somehow pulled it off and everyone was ready by 7:30. it was a miracle.

2. went and did elementary school classroom observation and it was very thought-provoking. this is the first time I did public school and I had endless amounts of thoughts about it.

3. got a lot done. just kept crossing things off my to-do list and it felt grand.

4. chatted with Jeff. it's official. we are moving to Indiana. told my mom. marco-polo-ed a lot of people and let my family know. honestly, now that I know it's going to happen, it gives me the freedom to feel sad about leaving here and it gives me room to grieve the change and hard things about it all.

5. picked up Richard early from school due to multiple factors and then grabbed Gladys and her carpool friends and got her some ice cream like a promised for the last day of school. she was delighted.

6. made HOORAY FOR SPRING BREAK STARTING cookies for everyone to share.

7. my mom grabbed the girls and I worked on school, then made dinner.

8. everyone cleaned up and ate. 

9. Roger and James went to church for a Book of Mormon scavenger hunt activity. Sally and Evelynn went to 'feed my starving children' for their church activity

10. I got with my pal Rachel to see Marshall in a play about a famous Arizona murder case. we grab Sonic afterward and chat. in the rain. it was cold. but I love talking.

Gladys' field day at school

this is what Evelynn bought on her birthday shopping trip. I love her style and that she loves rompers. such a cutie pie. (people keep asking me so I am finally documenting it.)

I am anxious for tomorrow. 

spring break begins... and everything else, honestly.

ps. I made a silly comment on an Instagram post and it got a LOT of traction. in fact, it still is. Right now, as it stands, I have 42 people commenting on my comment with negativity and rude comments. (don't worry, it's not upsetting me) but only ONE person commented with something kind. It's been so interesting to see how quick people are to put me down when they don't even know me. It makes me want to do better at being kind to others.