one thing

you guys. life lately just feels like one big giant... poop-flinging extravaganza. 

Today I found myself playing detective and analyzing overtime what my problem is and how to fix it.

I somehow got everyone off to school... mostly on time. Gladys was the exception, but it wasn't a big deal. things were off schedule after that, but I just kept plugging along.

and then the only good part of my day, was surprisingly, homeschooling James. my mom did Montessori with the littles while James and I did "pokemon university", where he was my Pokemons "xtraearfuzz" and "readicoon", and I was their trainer, "kiki". I taught him science and reading. He built a fort and made a nest. and we discussed habitats and hibernation/migration. it was the first magical homeschooling moment of the entire adventure... and of this year. HA-HA.

Leena enjoys a nativity... it looks so familiar to me... I must have done the same work back in the day?

Richard enjoys counting puzzles.

James and his pipe cleaner bird nest with rock eggs.

the floor was our classroom today. magically I didn't fall asleep this time.

He built this den to survive winter as a bear cub.

I spent the rest of my day doing laundry, washing dishes, doing some online math homework, and... feeling so much rage, resentment, confusion, overwhelm, and deep depression that I didn't know what to do with myself. I honestly don't even know what to do about it. I just feel like a psychotic mess.

At one point I caught hold of the idea that I could do something nice for myself... do something fun. I figured it might jar me back into life. but I didn't have time. I wanted to use a gift card. no time. I wanted to listen to happy music but nothing was on the radio and I couldn't set up a playlist while driving. so whatever. Another day.

I went and got my orthopedic inserts and felt so tired that I wasn't sure I could make it through the end of the day. but the day went on. After bathing a muddy baby, I loaded up and picked up school kids. 

then came the rat race... playing with neighbors outdoors, snacking, cleaning up the house while Grammy made dinner, and then eating and having family night. and let us not forget homework that I didn't think I could possibly help with... and I don't think got finished.

and now tomorrow is all planned out. will I actually do it? time will tell.

for now, I am going to do some yoga and hit the hay. cioa.