good day gone wrong

When I made my MLK plans... I had no idea how prophetic it was.

first of all, I really wanted to have a great day. ALL my kids had the day off. I knew there were several directions I could take us. We had a vote. but then, after talking to Jeff, I ignored the vote and planned mommy time with each kid.

here we have my planner page, all mapped out to make sure I get everyone in and everything done.

on the back of my planned out MLK day, I wrote MLK option #2... because part of me still wondered if we could do other fun stuff, too, like the parade, junk food day, lazy day, or bowling. I wanted to do it ALL. Something in me held out hope that it would be an epically awesome day as a family.

but... that morning... at devotional/breakfast... I told the kids my plan. I had vetoed their votes and we were doing mommy time! Their negative reaction was WAY bigger than I had anticipated. One child, in particular, was SO upset and disappointed that they became a wild monster... spewing horribly hurtful, hateful words repeatedly, punching, screaming, kicking, throwing, spitting, and ultimately REFUSING to do anything I asked him to do. all the kids reacted negatively, except for Evelynn, who had left early to babysit all day. Sally scowled hardcore until I made a joke about it to Jeff (who called us on his way to work) and then she laughed it off. 

I honestly thought that as the day went on, things would calm down. Surely if I pushed onward, then we could still do mommy time and have a good day. For some kids, time healed their wounds. but for others it only became more bitter with time. Especially for Roger. His temper tantrum would not let up, and the more it went on, the more I began to fall into a depression of self-doubt and worry. I gave more meaning to the whole thing than necessary and the negative thoughts began to overflow in my brain. tears started to pour down my cheek and I couldn't seem to stop it. Something inside of me had broken and things didn't feel normal. they felt dysfunctional. failed. ruined. I was making things mean something about me... that I was wrong. I was doing a bad job in life.

Sally's compassion got me off the couch and propelled me to move forward. but... obstacle #2 met me in the hallway. (and this is AFTER I scooted it all over to the right):

over time our game and craft closet had become a giant avalanche of destruction. due to many people irresponsibly taking things out and shoving them in, it had become a bigger and bigger mess that no one had time for. until today, when everything came tumbling down. pieces everywhere. And then Ebenezer got to it and made it even worse. carrying things places, mixing up everything he could reach. adding to the chaos.

it was a big project that could no longer be ignored and put aside. it absolutely HAD to be addressed.

still wanting to do mommy time and feeling stubborn, I convinced myself that if I used Gladys' mommy time to organize it, it would only take a half hour, and the rest of the day would be happy.

I tried to convince her that it was what she wanted to do, but I knew I was using her talents for my own selfish desires. and... no, it did not take a half hour. 

it took SIX hours.

eventually, I just let Gladys go off and play and embraced that mommy time was not going to happen for ANYONE. Of course, Richard wanted to play every single game that I got out of the cabinet and incessantly asked me to play. at one point I took a brief break to play three rounds of Don't Eat Pete with Leena and Richard... hoping it would make them happy enough to let me finish. well, at least it made them laugh!

after six hours, and plenty of help from Gladys... it was finished.

And then I went on to create inventories. *sigh* I love lists

I made three inventories: alphabetical, age, and shelf

I was so proud of myself. and not one other person (not even Jeff) was impressed. I showed every person I could, including Evelynn when she got back from babysitting. and no one thought it was great. not in the least. it added to my tally of unpleasantries of the day.

next came clean up. the house was a complete disaster. I had let the kids run amok the entire six hours. I had not even eaten lunch! my mom made dinner for us, thank goodness, but I had to rush and do the dishes as she prepared it because the kitchen was a disaster. nine kids had been left to fend for themselves and... it wasn't pretty!

after dinner, we had our family night. I was still trying to laugh off my bad day, but deep inside I still felt down and out. we watched movies and ate cookies with ice cream. then I got out Jenga (from my new and improved cabinet) and the kids played before bed. Some kids got their feelings hurt and went to bed upset, which was not my favorite. the top four were Evelynn, Walter, Leena, and Sally. the top three were Walter, Leena, and Sally. the top two were Leena and Sally. and then... Sally won.

when everyone was in bed, I lamented about my bad day. I thought about all the negative moments and rehashed them over and over again, making it worse. I even felt bothered by the macro polo I had sent my bestie, which included bad parenting in real-time... all captured for her to see!

I just feel sad. I feel unhappy. I am going to do some homework, then some quick bedtime yoga, and go to bed. maybe tomorrow will be better?