blurred lines

I can't pretend that yesterday and today seem to have blurred over into one another. 

I have noticed some powerful impressions coming into my mind and heart lately during my personal scripture study. One of these mornings I had an answer to prayer in regards to this blog and my question of its purpose. Because of that answer to prayer, I am hoping to put up a couple new pages on this blog soon. I just feel so strongly the power of the Book of Mormon and my testimony is bursting as I study it.

yesterday I remember losing my temper. Sometimes Richards's inability to chill sends me over the edge and I get really angry. It's purely my fault for not being in control of my thoughts, which leads to becoming 'monster mom'. In reality, Richard is a blessing and a teacher. my buddy. A buddy that I have always wanted. I remember before I even had kids and I was newly married, I babysat for a friend who had a special needs child. The child was undiagnosed at the time, but there were suspicions. I loved hanging out with that sweet child and it still stands out to me as a moment when I realized how much I really wanted kids and how fun it would be to have a little friend who needed me and hung out with me every day. Of course, I didn't understand the complexities and sacrifices that come with motherhood at the time, but I feel grateful for that relationship that led me closer to reaching my goal of becoming a mom by softening my heart and propelling me to take a leap of faith and start a family. Even now, that memory helps me through challenging experiences. Richard helps me practice faith every single day. It stretches me to try and think about his world and how he sees things. it forces me to slow down and try to understand his communication and feelings. I have to remember that he is good inside, just having a hard time. He isn't trying to be difficult. He isn't a brat. He is a gift from God to help me.

I apologized to Richard. I held him in my lap and hugged him and said sorry. I talked to him gently, "I am sorry I got so mad, Richard. I'm sure it was scary. I love you." He understood me. He closed his eyes and leaned into me, softening his body into mine. He sucked his fingers and then we built marbles together. I need to keep a list of things to try when I need to help him calm down. 'Calling dad' is one of them, 'watching dinosaurs' is another, but they don't always work. I know I need to pray for help in those moments. Every day I can get strength from prayer. Setting boundaries and trying to pick my battles with Richard is very challenging for me. Sometimes I just don't know if it's worth it. Is my goal to shape and mold him or is it to keep the peace? Today, for example, I tried everything I knew to get Richard to calm down when he was incessantly demanding that I find a missing Lego piece. He wouldn't let it go. He needed it RIGHT NOW, no exception. Finally, I blurted out, "Do you want me to get you this lego for your birthday?" and thankfully that was the golden ticket that calmed him down. 

The last two days Ebenezer has been hard to calm down, too. Both days he got muddy in the backyard and it made him very cold.... not to mention dirty. Both times I brought him inside and made him a warm bath. He got some new bath toys for Christmas... little ducks that go down slides that stick to the shower wall. I add bubbles and a few other toys and he is happy for a good half hour. I kept wanting to take a picture but I failed. maybe one day. I feel like he is feeling a bit better lately and getting better at eating foods and being more active as opposed to sedentary. I like seeing him move in a positive direction.

staying on top of laundry and dishes is all I can do these days. School started again for a couple of my kids and my schooling starts back up next week. I can't even imagine how I am going to fit everything into one day, let alone do it with kindness and grace, prioritizing what is most important during it all!

Lemonade stands are a big deal these days. The boys and the neighbors did one again and they made quite a bit of cash. Enough to want to make it a tradition. I can't resist them when they want to do something wholesome, but it does take up time and is kinda messy. Whatever. it's fine for now. They are learning things.

boys makin' lemonade outta lemons. way to go boys.

I have been consistently moving my body every day. I hope I can keep it up. Yesterday I took the dog on a very long walk. the wind was icy and it was quite cold, but I liked it. It felt good. This morning I just used the Samsung fitness TV app and did a beginner video. So simple, but feels good to at least be trying and making a habit, if anything.

I have been following through on my decision to delete/unfollow certain accounts on Instagram. It's making a huge difference and feels great. It's kind of addicting sometimes to sit down and delete as many as I can. Not sure when I will know when I am done... the list seems neverending. But having the majority of my Instagram feed filled with people I know, love, or uplift me, makes all the difference.

I tried to go to a foot appointment today but it was a total waste of time because they messed it up. 

The kids continue to have tons of playdates. It's nice when they have friends and when they are around. I hope when we have our own house it can be a great gathering place for friends to come and for my children to want to be. I really want that, but I know it might not happen. I sure want to create that kind of space, though. A girl can dream.

Listening to Walter practice his part for the school play today made my eyes well up with tears. He is so talented and I love anticipating seeing him in the show. Along with that, sometimes Sally and Evelynn get into a silly mood and just sit and harmonize together for an hour. It can drive me crazy when they pick the hour I am trying to put kids to sleep, but I do in actuality love when they are getting along and being silly sisters. I love the way their voices blend and it reminds me of my sisters and I singing together. so nostalgic.

I have so much to do and I need to sit down and DO IT, but for now, I am really loving my bullet journal. its nothing like I thought it would be... not as pretty as I thought, but way more useful than I imagined. Not sure I can ever go back.

I felt so tired today and yesterday. I keep taking cat naps.

I had a little survey interview today with a man who is creating his own school. He is talking to parents and asking them questions to try and create a model to support them. It was thought-provoking to reflect on my children's education and how I feel about it.

Eve got to babysit today and she loved every minute of that money-making adventure.

I finally bought myself a purse. Yesterday I finally bought myself new shoes. I don't know why I put these things off, but I think they were both necessary.

Jeff and I are still chatting daily. I like our scripture chats and couple prayers. But Jeff also made a spreadsheet of states to help us choose a place to live. Columns included average house prices, homeschool laws, overall best state, education ratings, church membership population, temples, and of course which states have the CNS program or allow him to practice as a CNS without a doctor overseeing him (he wants to open his own clinic). I spend way too much time pouring over the list and narrowing down where to go, not to mention dreaming about houses on Zillow. I get bittersweet feelings when I think about it all. I know it won't be perfect. it will be very hard. But I also have hopes. hopes that it will be okay. It could be really good for us. it might even be... great.

Roger's fingers still hurt. I am letting him sleep in my bed with me tonight. I am hoping I can figure out how to help him heal and avoid more hurts like this moving forward. It might be that because he is blind in one eye, his depth perception is off and he keeps getting injured. I don't know. poor guy.

I like seeing the kids spend time outside and play with all their new Christmas toys. remote control cars are endlessly buzzing around and rollerblades are strewn throughout the house.

I have no idea where Gladys got this beanie, but she rocks it. is this not the epitome of Arizona winter? bare feet and a beanie? haha!

and I am finally off. g'night.